Something More?

Well I made it

I made it through another night. I was busy all night, rushed home from work for a quick dinner as had to come back for a couple of hours.

I think keeping busy is the key, I eventually got in about 9.30pm and was exhausted. Not sleepy again but body worn out.

Today is a new day, I feel ok as long as I don’t think about it. Soon as I think about a drink, the head starts to pound again, I start to sweat a little bit. I know how good it would feel just to sit and let some of the lovely red juice slide down my throat.

Anyway enough of those thoughts.

I feel a bit like Clarke Kent at the moment. A good man, but not everything I could be. I feel looking back that the times I have had a drink then is when I feel like Superman. Spending the majority of my days as Clarke Kent is not the most enjoyable thought. He is a nice guy – but he is so much more.

I need to find myself a different more. A something to focus on, something to make me feel more than I currently do

Work?

A New Social Activity?

A New Skill?

I don’t know but I need more, I need something to replace what I feel I have lost.

And the beat in my head goes on......

The Hammer In My Head Won't Stop

Last night the dreams began, I vaguely remember last time. No nightmares or anything yet (I know they are to come) but strange dreams.

I can’t remember that much of them, I remember being on holiday with my partner and for some reason the Managing Director of Nando’s chicken was there. We were stuck down a very deep hole and trying to climb out, my fingers were bleeding with attempting to climb, I do not know if I made it or not, I remember a big explosion at some point in the dream and sadly not much more.

It was a disturbed night, not much sleep, tossing and turning and it seemed every time I got comfortable our cat would jump onto the bed or move position and disturbed again.

Today is hard, people don’t understand unless they have been through it themselves, today I itch, underneath my skin, I feel it mostly in my arms at the moment a kind of crawling itch and my head, my bloody head won’t stop pounding, it feels clouded and muddled, I feel all unsettled and uneasy. Sitting still doesn’t help; I want to be doing something I need some focus on my day. If I can focus on one thing, just something then maybe I can get through the day and stop my head from feeling like this.

It just keeps on going, thump thump thump.............

Can I, will I - I want to

Monday was ok, being at work helps, the constant focus on something else helps.

The night wasn’t that bad, I was agitated for sure. Sitting and watching television was not helping, I felt like I wanted to pace, to walk to move and to think about something completely different.

My body felt exhausted but my head not tired – I know this is how the first night feels, I have been here many times before; sadly that also means I know what is to come.  

I know what the next few days hold, not that I have been down that path for a long time, but I remember everything from last time and those thoughts themselves worry me.

I am not a strong person, I have always easily caved in before, am I strong enough, can I make it past the difficult days and  see what comes after that, can I change my lifestyle in a way that is long lasting and stops me returning to this same level of behaviour again.

I want to change, I do, but can I

I don’t know, only time will tell

As the day go's on

Monday afternoon I made my preparations, already dreading the evening coming. I have been to the shops and brought Milk Thistle and B1, apparently that helps (if it does or not I have no idea).

The house is empty of wine except for one bottle and a small amount of spirit. To have nothing in panics me more, I have always been one that keeps a good stock and have done this for many years, living by the rule that it is “better to have and not need, than need and not have”. So to empty the house completely worries me more, knowing that it is there if I want it, brings some comfort, whether I am strong enough to resist when the time comes I still have to see.

This time I think it can be different, this time I think I can do better than before.

Saying that, I am already dreading this evening’s meal, it seems incomplete somehow, eating with no wine and knowing that there will be none to follow.

When so many aspects of your life have been intertwined with wine and been thoroughly enjoyed, it seems incomprehensible to continue those things without.

A train journey of more than an hour I would happily carry on a bottle of wine, a trip to the cinema or dog racing track or even the local bingo club would always involve decanting wine into more convenient bottles to take in with me. Partly because (this is no defence I know) the wine offered at those places is expensive and not to my taste. It stated off small with one bottle being taken in and grew from there as my drinking grew.

 So now to go to any of these places, without drinking seems scary already, I used to smoke and when I managed to quit that, I did it by complete disassociation (if that is the right phrase) I used to have my first smoke with a coffee in the morning, so I stopped drinking coffee and switched to tea and so on with different things through the day. This was an attempt to try and do something different that I did not associate with smoking and therefore the urge for one was less. However to repeat that same practice with wine is more difficult as every aspect of my life contains wine, even a trip to the supermarket would be preceded with a stop at the pub first for a glass or two, so now to try and continue those activities without the wine is a tall prospect and a worrying one.

Monday Morning

I am going to start this being honest. If not then I feel there is no real point to the exercise.

I have always enjoyed a drink, same as everyone else, I enjoy that feeling as few drinks settle inside you. That warmth as it creeps through your body, that feeling of slight detachment as things maybe all of a sudden aren’t priority at that point in time.

That feeling of becoming more, feeling more, enjoying more, maybe even being more.

I enjoy all of this and much much more, far too much and far too often.

I know it is not healthy, I know it is no good, but I drink to excess and almost every single night. The last time I have a meaningful ‘dry spell’ was summer 2009 where I had a 10 day detox, prior to that and since that date, I have not gone more than 48 hours without being drunk.

My brother always joked that I don’t have an “off switch” once I start something I carry on and on and on till it becomes excessive. I think he was right.

I don’t always see it as a problem, it causes no issues with my job – in some respects I am lucky as I can set my own work times and therefore start late if need be, although it causes no problems with my job, I think at times I am working on auto pilot and could achieve a lot more.

My current drinking is on average 1.5 – 2 bottles of wine a night and this is a quiet night, if going out it can be a whole lot more.

Even when waking up with the worst hangover, most evenings I can start again as it eases any pains from the night before. Last week I got so drunk on the Thursday night that I have forgotten almost the whole evening, was extremely ill the next day (to the point where I couldn’t work for the first time ever) but even with all that and how ill I was come the Saturday evening I started again – wrong I know.

Many a weekend I have thought that this is the last one and come Monday I will change my life style, I have tried many time before and lasted no more than 2 days. I know how hard it is when every aspect of your life is combined with wine.

This time...